*hums*
*sigh...*
For awhile now there's been this girl... isn't there always. I've had a crush on her... for sometime over a year. And I thought she had one on me. It seemed like it for awhile, and I've thought it all through. Yeah I was an idiot for thinking that, and I acted like an idiot, and don't bother calling any of this stupid- I already know better than you ever could... We're beyond fixing this I believe, but if you have any advice you're welcome to give it... otherwise I'm just here to rant at myself.
See, I met her 2 and a half years ago when my family switched churches, and for awhile she couldn't stand me it seemed. After a few months we became friends and such. Which was fortunate because I didn't know many girls. She's one year younger than me, two grades lower. I'm 15, she 14. And so a year passes with various stuff going on as I begin to like her. Now around this time homecoming was a number of months away, and my friends decided "Hey man, why don't you ask her?" Alright, fine I decided, and went to get over my fear of girls in general and her in particular, and talked with her face to face. Mostly with girls and a number of people I had just spoken a few sentences and moved on, so having an entire conversation with one, ESPECIALLY one I liked, was an accomplisment for a shy 14 year old. Shy around girls he likes anyway. But I ramble.
So we became better friends, much better. I was really stuck, as I didn't want to crash our friendship but I also wanted to go out with her. What to do? At this point it seemed a lot like she liked me, for various reasons- we won't go into detail, for my own reasons. So she heard about my school's homecoming (we know each other at church, remember?) and asked if I was going. "Meh, yeah..."
"Who with?"
"No one, I was going to ask someone but decided not to"
"Really? Who?"
!!!!!!!!!What? Was my reaction. I probably gave it away through my face at this point.
"No one..."
"Who?"
"No one you know!"
At this point I was walking out the door and away. She followed me. Dang persistence.
"Just tell me..."
"Why do you care?"
"I don't..." *sigh of relief from me* "Now tell me!"
She gave up and I made my escape, only to be cornered on AIM later. And I gave up. She obviously knew, I was making an idiot out of myself and she was being too darn persistent. Besides, I wasn't ready to deal with THIS face to face.
Gammablade X: Fine, you...
<???> (You ain't getting her SN) Aww... [Max], I would've gone with you!
And so on and so forth and we were fairly sure (my comrades) that she liked me back at this point. And so we went on with her consistently talking to me every time she saw me (Her yelling my name every time I walked into a room and she saw me the first time of the night was embarassing, not to mention her dad picked up on something and her parents have been REALLY friendly
ever since). Eventually we drifted off for awhile. Her off of AIM and we didn't talk as much until a few months ago when we started to again. And me not getting over her all this time (and unwilling to ask her out after her dad, the Pastor, said anyone who wanted to go with her would have to go through him, and he was willing to go to jail), after we started talking again I was happy. Until.... ugh, where the title comes in:
<???>:And you?
Zaph0d 3: Not so hot
<???>:Why?
Zaph0d 3: No reason at all, actually.
<???> So just tell me.
Zaph0d 3: I don't feel like talking about it tonight...
<???> C'mon
Zaph0d 3: No....
and so on in similar fashion until I gave up. This year I had made up my mind to actually ask her to homecoming and had my cash saved up, so I just admitted it in dire hope (and panicking stupidity, but hey). Getting the "we can still be friends" line was not what I was looking for, but was better than her flipping out.
So after a few days without sleep I feel over her. Her seeming kind've awkward after I saw her again, I logged onto AIM (the source of all relationship evil at this point) and told her hey, I'm fine now. And that restored things. A few days later though I realized I wasn't over her, I'd just tricked myself long enough. Hey, I never lied- things just changed without my telling her. Sometimes it seems as if we lock eyes strangely for a few seconds- or else I'm being paranoid and my dementia is twisting things.
Thank you for reading, and sorry to waste your time. And thank you Star Way for this rant forum... *sighs*
