I hate myself and I want to die.

[KingCheez offline]

I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore.

I've been flipping out at people, walking away and hating myself for it, and hating myself for hating myself about it. I never feel good anymore. I feel like committing a murder and I think I just might if crap keeps up. I've snapped at people here, I've snapped at my family, my friends, and everyone who gets close to me. I always think I'm right until I see myself in retrospect and think I'm wrong. Nothing I do ever makes me happy. If I play a game all day it's fun, but I look back and beat myself up because I wasted the whole day. My precious summer already feels like it's slipping out of my grasp, June is over, and I'm filled with rage and depression and anxiety.

Sorry for that wall of text. Anyway, I've also been dumped by the only person I can love because she thinks some other guys are hottt, and leaves me f**ked over alone. I can't stop thinking if I'm really gay or something, judging by the way I can barely even talk to a girl I like. I can't stop being insecure, I can't stop hurting other people, I can't stop anything. Every time I think another guy looks good or something I freak out at myself. I guess I am gay, and now all of my friends will hate me because I'm the stereotypical laughing stock, the fat gay kid. I hate society.

I hate school, too. I dread going into the the next grade, I dread more work, I dread learning things I never need to know. I want to be an artist, I want to be a composer, I want to be a singer, so how the F**K DOES ALGEBRA APPLY TO ME!? And of course, I have to do all the homework and f**k it up and fail class and stay after every day, because I'm retarded and don't get it and don't get ANYTHING and I'm slower than a dead snail. I can't learn anything, I have memory so short I can't even remember what I did in school right after I get home. I hate junior high, I hate myself, I hate everything.

I have no talents, either. I can't sing, can't draw, can't animate, can't do anything all of my friends do, can't think, can't do anything but play the damn drums and keyboard. That's not going to get me anywhere though, because I can't go to a good college of the arts if I don't get good grades in our shitty, incredibly flawed school system.

I also have a breathing problem. I'll feel short of breath suddenly, and take a big breath, and it just won't go down my throat - it'll stop there, and I'll start to freak out and hyperventhilate and can't calm down until I finally pass out. I went to the doctors, they ran some tests, and told me to come back in a week for more f**king tests. I want to be cured. I want to breathe again. I want to get a good night's sleep, but no. I have to be delayed, I have to get nothing, I have to live every day feeling like I'm gonna die. Maybe dying isn't so bad at this point.

And every morning my dad wakes me up super-early and if I'm the least bit mad it's because of my computer and my Xbox 360 and some other crap, because he can't be wrong, oh no no no. So I isolate myself because I've learned being around my family only breeds contempt among us, now with how my mom is suddenly religious and believes that I should follow God and go to church and all of that because GOD HELPED HER STOP OVEREATING. I don't believe in God anymore. I do believe in self-control, and I believe in taking credit for what I've done, and if I do something, I want to know that I did it, not "God."

I feel lonely, but if I hang out with my 'friends' I'll just want to be lonely. Jeff is always flipping out and being a jerk and thinking I'm whining or being a snitch when I tell him off, Kenny thinks everything I do is against him, Joe is one of the last honest-to-goodness friends I have and even he has strokes of sheer idiocy.

And I'm fat, and I hate working out. The only thing I wanna do is freerunning, but there's nowhere to do that and my parents would freak out if I just up and left to a park or something. Of course, my dad makes me walk/run pretty much around the entire city every day now too, and half of the time I hate it and wish I could go back to bed because he woke me up 3 hours earlier than any person should ever be up according to my sleep schedule. My parents think I stay up late and sleep all day to avoid social contact. NO, I DO IT BECAUSE BEING ON THE COMPUTER LATE AT NIGHT IS A BETTER USE OF MY PRECIOUS TIME THAN SITTING IN BED HYPERVENTHILATING.

I just hate myself and everything around me. I feel better that I got this all written down, but I still feel like a general piece of crap.

[strok3d offline]

i know excatly how toy feel. I think to myself should I just kill myself? Here are my list of friends


Sammy-8hrs
Ryan-8hrs
David-4hrs-boyfriend
William-4hrs
Nicole-4hrs
Bobby-4hrs
Jamie-1hr
Kelly-1hr

Those are my friends and how far away they are by car. I am not kidding. Sammy and ryan are my BFF's We have been friends since kindergarden. And i know your wondering. Why do you have a boyfriend that lives 4hrs away? Well noone likes me here. I sometimes wonder if im lezbien. People call me that at school as a joke. I get good grades but never ger rewarded. I have never gotten a B in my life only A's.............





Just remember your TRUE friends or friend. It is what keeps me from Killing myself. And remember if you commit suicide you go to hell. And they dont show new episodes of code lyoko there. Only re-runs. NOOOOO!

[Carth]

...I don't know what to say...I really, really want to help...but I don't know how...

I'll come back...when I can think of something to say...

But for now, here's a hug. Hope you'll accept it. *hugs*

[oddsgrlfriend offline]

I can definatly relate to the breathing problem. It may be asama and sadly there is no cure for it (as far as I know). They'll just give you an inhaler and tell you to use that which isn't even close to what you really want! Think things through before you do something stupid (like killing yourself). I doubt you dumb, you're just confused. I know I'm acting like I know you and know how you think and I don't. So all I can do is put myself in your shoes and think 'how would I feel'. Don't feel bad 'bout being gay. I know a lot of gay guys and they're all really nice and easy to get along with. It makes them unique. If sports isn't your thing try out for a school play. It'll give you the chance to put on a mask and be someone else for a while, which in turn helps you figure out who you are. If your girl friend dumped you for some other guy I can already tell just by reading what you wrote that she isn't good enough for you. You're young, so don't think or say 'she's the only one I'll ever love', because you don't know that. You have your entire life ahead of you and shouldn't worry about true love and all that crap. Just hold your head high and try to get through. That's all I can say.

[Insanity Hero offline]

I know what your going through I was like that in 7th grade. I hated everyone, I wanted to be alone, I didn't want to go to any social groups, thought that killing myself was the only way out. I didn't want to tell anyone what I was going through. But something snaped in my body and I let it all out one day at school. There they sent me home early and then I had to go to a person that dealed with these things. She helped me out letting me know that there are still people out there that care for you and want you to live.

There are people in this world that still care for you. You may not know it now, or think that your better off dead but the truth is if you kill yourself that would bring sadness to your family. Your parents will question if they did something wrong, and the pain of it will be with them forever.

If you still need to talk to someone you know we're all here. Member of LF care for one and other. If you want to you can PM me anytime you feel like it. Till then I hope that you feel better.

[Odd-Like-Me offline]

dont worry your just going through a rough time, im yelling at people too, and i dont know my own strength.....

and just because you think guys look nice dosent mean your gay...your only gay if you have a crush on a guy...and if you do dont care about what anyone else says....recently i realised i was bi and i only have told my close friends....but i bet by next year everyone will know, its bound to pass the lip...and yes it is stressful...i dont want my family to know...but dont worry your just raging with hormones cheer up

[The BB of C offline]

KingChez, gosh darn, chill! That's all I have to say to you is chill. If you truely believe in self control, control yourself now. Then have patience and things will work themselves out over time.

[Lyoko SA80 offline]

King chez.What can I say .I lived like that for a few years .Due to my dad beening in the RAF .We moved every 5 months .I had no friends and my mum and dad were stressed plus my brother would make friends then embasses me with them .Your on a rough path .This my be a werid answer but hold on as your going though life it going to get better. the guy upstairs is testing your out .Marking you on how your do on.

1 how stong your sprit is
2 how stong your friendship is to people
3 Self control

We are here for your Mate.You are talented if you can draw a line or curve then you can draw .I bet you would beat me on the Xbox.Plus you would be a computer wezz.Don't put yourself down you do have a stong sprit .Be stong Belivie.

[oddson offline]

King chez.What can I say .I lived like that for a few years .Due to my dad beening in the RAF .We moved every 5 months .I had no friends and my mum and dad were stressed plus my brother would make friends then embasses me with them .Your on a rough path .This my be a werid answer but hold on as your going though life it going to get better. the guy upstairs is testing your out .Marking you on how your do on.

1 how stong your sprit is
2 how stong your friendship is to people
3 Self control

We are here for your Mate.You are talented if you can draw a line or curve then you can draw .I bet you would beat me on the Xbox.Plus you would be a computer wezz.Don't put yourself down you do have a stong sprit .Be stong Belivie.

(LYOKO SOILDERS BROTHER) we last moved a year ago and our dad out of the RAF and we have lived in RAF Leuchars for 6 years and permently live here in dundee
and i dont know about the rest because i fogot about the rest of the places we have lived

[xgmx 2.0 offline]

i only read half of that and...well....im serious see a psychiastrist....get your ISSUES worked out...........

[xgmx 2.0 offline]

which brings me to my next point: DONT DO DRUGS....
ok heres a good thing

FIRST: Do something with your family, fish, hunt, game, watch tv or movie anything
SECOND: Hang out with your friends talk about what forums you post on and video games you all like
THIRD: Talk to a girl you really like then go out with her
FOURTH: Play with any pets you have like cats and dogs
FIFTH: Don't be a drugdealer

[Lyoko SA80 offline]

Brilliant thnks for bring that up xgmx.20 .Drug is the biggest mistake evryone can make and should never be used .As he said there kill there redue your life there also wreck your life.Drugs is not a option ok guys/girls

[xgmx 2.0 offline]

your welcome