a big annoying mess.

[Paige offline]

So I had this boyfriend last year, he and I hit off really well and I went out with him about a week or two after I met him. That was my first mistake. Because one, I didn't ever ask any of my confidantes about him and what they thought of him, or asked anyone about how he rolls. So needless to say, I thought that he was just the sweetest, most fun guy ever. Anyways, we go out for about a month, and I spend an evening at a coffee shop with a guy I had just randomly met there while my boyfriend was out of town for the day. So I flirt with this guy shamelessly for about 2 hours and then I have to leave. My boyfriend gets back to town and I ask him to meet me back at the coffee shop, planning on breaking up with him because it was just too easy for me to talk to the guy at the coffee shop earlier that day, AND I had found out that he was talking to his ex girlfriend about wanting to go back out with her. [she told me herself] And so I break up with him, and then he convinces me to go back out with him because I did still have feelings for him. Then we're back together, that was my second mistake, I should have just STAYED broken up with him. So we stay together kind of happily for about a month and a half, meanwhile things are getting even more and more sexual... and I didn't really know what to think about it because it was going so fast and I did enjoy it, and I had never done this kind of stuff before. So then we have spring break for two weeks, and he goes to NC and I couldn't care less, I planned on breaking up with him after the concert band trip. [we are both in band, he plays flute, I play clarinet] And so then I do break up with him after the break because everything is going fast, and I feel like if I don't break up with him, he won't stop. Anyways, he convinces me to go back out with him AGAIN. That was my third mistake, I should have stayed broken up with him. But then I invite him to a dinner at my house and both of my sister's boyfriends will be there too, and that day, before he comes over, he calls me telling me that he told his friend [and later I found out, ex-girlfriend] that she asked him to prom, and his mom was MAKING him go with her. And so I found out later that that was not true, but anyways, I was very upset at the time and told him that I did not like that idea, and it upset me, and that I honestly wouldn't be able to trust him if he went with her. For the next week, he got himself out of it, and I was happy... but then I happened to talk to Megan [the girl who asked him to prom] and she told me that he had called her and told her he WAS in fact, able to go to prom with her. And so I don't know if he was planning on going behind my back or what, but I confronted him about it, and broke up with him. I was seriously going to stick with it, but it come to the point where we were like "best friends" too, and so I kept talking to him. My mom told me she didn't want me to be with him anymore, so that made me kind of mad. And anyways, prom night comes and goes, and I had my older sister kind of watching him to see if he actually would kiss on Megan and everything. She didn't see anything like that, and so then me and my now exboyfriend [whose name btw, is Steven] continue talking and occasionally kissing and talking on the phone every night. Anyways, we weren't together, and everyone was like, "What are you doing, Paige? You're not with him anymore, stop talking to him." I should have listened to the people telling me that, but I didn't, because by this point, you guys should be realizing that I was an idiot not to see what an *ss this guy is. So anyways we go to a party one day, and one thing leads to another and we end up having sex. So then I of course, get caught by none other than my two sister's boyfriends. So I go home, tell my mom, get in HUGE trouble, but I was so hurt and sad because Steven had forced it on me when I tried telling him to stop, or at least put a condom on. And so then my parents tell me to absolutely NOT talk to him at school, but of course I do. And in the end, we both get in trouble by our parents. His mom calls my mom and tells her that Steven told her that I seduced him into it, and it's ultimately my fault, though, who is the sixteen year old boy? And who is the fourteen year old girl? Anyways, that makes me beyond pissed because he made it sound like he had nothing to do with it just to get his *ss out of trouble. So then there is still about two weeks left of school, but I am sooo done with his drama, I just didn't care to even look at him. So then summer comes, and goes, without me even really thinking about it too much because I eventually got ungrounded and was able to do things. Luckily, I didn't end up getting pregnant although I seriously thought for about a month that I might have been.

Well then, this school year starts. And every SINGLE time I see him in the hallway, my heart drops into my stomach, and it just killed me knowing I still wasn't over him. So I end up [of course] having a class with him and I even didn't take band class this year to avoid him. So we start talking, and even kiss. And that was STUPID because it got me all thinking that I was maybe in love with him, even though I don't think I ever even was in the first place. So that goes on for about a month or so. And then I start thinking, "nah, I'm not into this guy anymore." Because one, he would ALWAYS find some kind of reason to flirt with a girl right in front of me which pissed me off, and two, because he would tell anyone who would listen about how he and I had sex, and of course they didn't believe him because it is a shocker. "You and Paige? Noooo way. Paige wouldn't do that." So that's a plus, that they don't believe him. Anyways, my best friend Tyler starts telling me to stop hanging around him so much and to hang out with him more, so I do, because I love Tyler. And I end up slowly just get over Steven and realize that I don't like him anymore, and there aren't feelings there anymore.

Okay, so I had to say all of that to get to the actual present problem.

The guy that I like now, Taylor, is in the band, and he is on the drumline. He took me to the homecoming dance, and we had a great time. And things just keep improving. I have spent the past three nights with him, and he always tells me how pretty I am, and it is just obvious that he likes me, and that I like him. But we won't say it because there are a couple of problems.
1. He is eighteen.
2. I am fifteen.
3. My mom does NOT want me to have a boyfriend AT ALL.
4. Steven is threatening to tell Taylor about he and I, and I want to be the one to tell Taylor that if it ever gets to the point that I would need to tell that to him.

I wish that Steven would just stay out of my life, because I would never even get in the way of any relationship he wants to have. It's not my place at all. It's not really like Steven is blackmailing me or anything... it's just that he won't leave me alone, and he is being such an *ss. Like, in the class that he is in with me, he always tries to find some kind of way to make me upset and ultimately cry. [I cry easily] And I'm just sick of it. It's too late in the year to switch classes, and I've asked him to leave me alone, but he won't.

And my best friend, Tyler completely approves of me and Taylor, and it is REALLY hard to find someone that Tyler likes, because first of all, the guy CANNOT be a homophobe. Because Tyler is my BEST FRIEND and if I get a boyfriend who doesn't like gay people, then I'd end up having to choose at some point, and that will be really upsetting, and I don't want to go through that. A whole bunch of other people want us to be together because we are so alike, and they think we'd be great together.

So anyways. I need some advice on how to convince my mom to let me be with Taylor, despite the fact that he is 18. And let me add that there wouldn't be any sex at ALL because I am sooo done with that right now, too much drama and it isn't even worth it. I've even told Taylor that even though we've technically haven't told each other that we like each other. And he was like, "all right, I wasn't looking for that." I also need some advice to convince Taylor that he should go out with me even though he's uncomfortable with the age difference... though it seems that he doesn't mind it lately. And finally, I need some advice on how to get Steven to leave me alone without having Taylor of Tyler beating him up.

Thanks for reading all of that, if you have.

[Rail Runner offline]

Wow Paige, I really really feel your pain and confusion there. I wish I knew exactly what to say here, but the best advice I can give you is to try and not let Steven bother you too much. The fact that he is going to tell Taylor about the sexual experience between you and him is just low. Maybe just be honest with Taylor about it if you think Steven is going to mess things up for you. Its always better to make the pre-emptive strike if you think your enemy may attack. That way, you get the first say in the conversation with Taylor. If I have misunderstood something, feel free to pm me and I can clarify any of my statements. I am always here as a friend for ya.

[. offline]

okay one thing I'm gonne point out, and one thing alone:

and one thing leads to another and we end up having sex. So then I of course, get caught by none other than my two sister's boyfriends. So I go home, tell my mom, get in HUGE trouble, but I was so hurt and sad because Steven had forced it on me when I tried telling him to stop, or at least put a condom on.

That right there makes my BS chip inside my brain burn like a 5 alarm fire. Now in no way do I condone rape at all, and yes he probbly was the initiation of it if you really didn't want it to happen it wouldn't of even as gotten as close as it did.

And so then my parents tell me to absolutely NOT talk to him at school, but of course I do. And in the end, we both get in trouble by our parents. His mom calls my mom and tells her that Steven told her that I seduced him into it, and it's ultimately my fault, though, who is the sixteen year old boy? And who is the fourteen year old girl?

Arbitrary. You were both caught up in the moment. You both where wrong. Admit your fault in it, which would be really not getting him to stop and if it wasn't for your sisters' boyfriends you'd be pretty up a creak with out a paddle.

*cracks knuckles* So now the problem at hand. I hope it's painfully obvious to you why your mother would want you dating no one least of all an 18 year old. My best idea, get her to meet this guy so at very least she can have the "you touch my flower and I'll gut you like a fish" talk.

[Paige offline]

First let me clarify something. I never said that having sex in the first place was entirely Steven's fault. I know that I could have stopped it, and I know that I am in the wrong too. But the fact stays as it is, I did have sex, I can't take it back, and if people want to be all "oh man, she had sex before marriage." Do that, but just know first that I am done with any kind of sexual activity with anyone for awhile, it's waaaay too dramatic in high school.

With that said, I want to let you all know that I did end up telling Taylor about Steven and I. He took it really well. He said he didn't expect that of me, or Steven, but he was okay with it, and happy that I told him. It was obvious that I regretted it by the way I told him. And I almost began to cry while telling him, and he gave me a big hug, and told me he could never think of me as a slut. It made me feel a lotttt better. But I still haven't gotten anywhere in the relationship department. He invited me to his house on Saturday night, I don't know if I will go though, my parents are so damn strict on me when it comes to boys, especially after what happened with Steven. And even though I completely understand why, it's quite annoying.

One more thing. My realllly good friend, Alaina was telling me to be careful with Taylor though. Apparently, he's sooo nice and sweet and then he just suddenly stops talking to you anymore... I dunno if that is just with Alaina, or what. But I am gonna be beyond pissed if he just all of a sudden stops talking to me. I don't see that happening though because he always waits on me just to give me a hug.

[Rail Runner offline]

I really do hope things go well for you with Taylor.

[zex marquise offline]

People like Steven make a pacifist like me what to run up and punch them in the face and give a fiery Picard-speech while standing over their barely conscious body.

First, about this Steven guy constantly looking for ways to strike back at you by making you cry and threatening to tell people about what happened: That is serious harassment considering the circumstances. You should have the courage to tell the school counselor that he is harassing you. You should keep in mind that if you do tell the counselors that he is harassing you, it will likely lead to them finding out about what happened and it might lead to complications of you DON'T want to throw the book at Steven.
Alternatively, you could remind this wank that (if you live in the US) what he did is legally considered rape whether you consented or not because you are a minor and he was 18. If he ever told anyone what happened to hurt your reputation, there would be nothing to stop you from taking his arse to court since you wouldn't be able to hide it anymore anyway. He would have ZERO defense very simply because you are a minor. That would scare the s*** out of him enough to make him leave you alone for good. Of course, if he's a bona fide psycho this threat to his security might lead him to do other things... You can never be too careful.

Second, if your mother is any kind of intelligent human being she will not trust you to make the same mistake twice. No offense meant, but that is her job as parent. You will have to have this Taylor guy visit with your family a lot so that they get a good idea of what he is about and trust him. This will take a long time, and if your parents are smart they will investigate his background Meet-The-Parents style. Once they learn to trust him, everything should work out. Giving you parents the chance to give him the whatever-you-do-to-my-daughter-I-will-do-to-you speech will give them additional ease of mind.

Third, and most important of all, you need to come to terms with everything. Whether Steven was 100% responsible for what happened is not relevant. He DID victimize you. He objectified and seduced you when his primary concern should have been first and foremost your wellbeing. If you do not face this personally, it will quietly fester in the depths of your subconscious for the rest of your life until it screws you up permanently. You have to face and accept what happened to you and realize that despite the magnitude of the offense, it isn't the end of the world. If you don't come to terms with it and get over it now, it will hurt you in the future. Relationship troubles are but one obvious example. Just remember that even though this guy had his way with your body, he can never touch your spirit (speaking metaphorically here, not trying to shove religion down your throat), and no one can ever damage who you are unless you ALLOW them to affect you that way. Sorry if I'm going overboard with the Freudian psychology, but it happened to my mother. I know how if can F people up better than most.

I really hope that things work out for you. Life will surely improve significantly once high school is over and you and Mr. Tosser never have to see each other ever again. In a glass-is-half-full perspective, this experience in your life will help you to really see the true intentions behind men's eyes and really know when you have found someone who truly values you. There are us guys out there that are genuinely good people. You just have to look hard. Hint: Geeks are generally sincere and are a good place to start looking.