Carthy rants about pretty much everything.

[Carth]

I really, hardly know where to start. So, I'll just write things until I get things out. Tiny bits of language below.

Even though it's summer, that time of year when I have all the time in the world to do absolutely everything, I feel completely, totally, and utterly unmotivated to do anything at all. I have entire days set before me, and I inevitably spend them in mundanity, reading or eating or surfing random websites. I want to do stuff, like write the many stories that are popping up in my head, but whenever I sit down to do it, it doesn't happen. I can never keep focused on it. It's like this huge, enormous wall of mundanity has placed itself in front of the better part of my mind, and it won't let anything else through. Maybe I'm depressed. I don't know. Either way, lately, I've just felt like a robot, going through the motions.

On top of it all, I just feel really, really alone for no reason at all. I know I have you guys, who are, in my opinion, the greatest people I've ever met, my family, also wonderful people, and a few real-life friends, which is something I've never really had before. And yet, I don't really have anyone I have a real, deep-seated connection with, someone that makes me feel alive, human, someone that could get me out of that slump. I guess my boyfriend could...if I actually knew him offline. (Nothing against him- he's right up there with all of you as one of the greatest people I've ever met). But for now, I'm just sort of disconnected. Maybe that'll change, but for now, that's how it all is.

And then, there's problems I've always had- crippling insecurities about what people think of me, compulsions to stay away from people just in case they don't want me around, tendency to spend all day on the Internet, lack of a life in general...the list goes on and on.

Oh, and remember what I talked about in my now-locked-for-other-reasons other rant thread? It's gotten to the point where it bothers me almost constantly. I can't even look at a picture of a girl without squirming. And the most insane thing is, none of it clicks with what I feel in my head. It's like my head is screaming "PENIS!" while my body is screaming "BEWBIES and um maybe some penis yeah." Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not homophobic. It's just not who I am, not who I want to be. It's another problem on a pile that keeps growing. I don't want this. I want it to stop. I just want it to go away, leave me alone.

I know this might not sound like crazy-happy-go-lucky Carth. Somehow, it isn't. Sometimes, it seems like Carth and myself, the real, physical me, are almost two separate personalities. Carth is everything I want to be, absorbent, untroubled, cheerful, popular, pretty, confident, accepted...and I'm just here, holding all this back while Carth speaks through the keyboard, completely oblivious.

I'm messed up. I really am.

[Phoenix Wolf offline]

Awwww *mega hugs Carth*

Its alright we are here for you...

[DeadViolet offline]

Wow, that's kinda like what I'm feeling.

You'll get better Carth-sama. *hug* Give it time.
I feel yer pain.

[. offline]

Carth, kiddo....

If it doesn't fit you comfortably, gusse what? YOU'RE NOT GAY! When your head and your heart says differently then so.

[Tangent128 offline]

I could go into a bunch of psychology/biology WMG, but suffice to say I suspect your situation is normal.

[Phoenix Wolf offline]

I agree with both Tangent and Piper, if you feel uncomfortable then you are probably not... Listen to your heart if it tells you one thing and your mind tells you another then well I guess you should go with your heart... Psychology doesn't solve everything, there is not always a logical explination... I hope you feel better Carth, we are all here for you...

[Rail Runner offline]

Carth, you are the real you, even though you may feel differently at times. We love and accept you just the way you are, and so should others, these feelings of not being accepted and loneliness will go away, even though we all feel them at times.

*hugs*