CL grown up

[lyokodude offline]

This was made on the official site but this is my version:
{u stands for Ulrich] [y stands for yumi]{ o stands for Odd]
[j stands for jeremie] [and A for Aeleata]
"Here is the news for the Paris region" said the newscaster." President Belpios, has made an act official. Odd the famous singer, will be the first musician in space. Ulrich Stern and the french soccer olympic team has done it again,12 years of winning us the gold medal for france."
Y: Judge, this man has been arrested 13 times he should be executed
after the jury gave the verdict. YUmi went home and found a letter it read:
Dear Yumi,
Hello, remember me Ulrich. I'm coming to Paris I'll be staying at Vonsways Apt. 1.
Love,
ulrich
In the president residence
J: AEleata, look what I found a leter from Ulrich.
A: what did it say honey
J: He is coming here,lets call Odd
Ring Ring
O:Talk to me, Hey Einstien, Yea I got it too. K,bye.
Knock Knock
Y: Coming ,Ulrich!!! it's been so long
U: Yep, wanna go out and eat.
Y: sure,let me get my coat
They pulled up to Fancy Resturant
Waiter: G,day mate what can I get for ye's
U: we'll have champian
Y: good job
U: Thanks, Yumi you know we never broke up and I was just wondering would you marry me
YUmi's reaction later post for more

[4lpha0mega offline]

...where do i start,
You've mispelt aelita, repeatedly,
You've alternated between { and [, repeatedly
You've made no indication that "Ring Ring" or "knock Knock" are sound effects
You've mispelt letter
There are no spaces, only commas between several word pairs, including "here,lets"
You've put capital letters where they are not even remotely necessary
Waiters in fancy french resterants never greet costumers with "G,day mate" also its G'day, not G,day as a comma makes no sense
You've mispelt champaign
And most importantly the whole story is completly ubserd

Anyway, theres some constructive critisism

[Saphire-089 offline]

I'm sorry, but it's not really that good.

[4lpha0mega offline]

I'm sorry, but it's not really that good.

that is an understatment,

[SamBlob offline]

I have had two separate and distinct "CL grown up" ideas. I have not written either of them as stories.

I have spoken about one of them from my earliest days at TVTome: "Lyoko+15: The Return of XANA", where Herb discovers a cyberterrorrism simulation program in a supercomputer in an old factory, updates it, and sells it to a North African terrorist faction for research into conducting terrorrism. Needless to say, Lyoko (including XANA and Aelita) is part of the package, XANA gets back to more dangerous versions of his old tricks, and Aelita, who was shut down along with the supercomputer, contacts the old team: Jeremy, now a Hawkeye CICO who had saved a copy of Aelita on three DVD-ROMs, Odd, a EuroFighter pilot (the story begins with Odd contacting Jeremy on the radio during a training exercise), Yumi, an operative in the Foreign Office of the Japanese Empire (currently stationed in the embassy at Ottawa and married to a Quebecois), and Ulrich, an ex-First Division striker who has since become a coach (and is married to Emily) I had not worked out how they would find the terrorist camp nor what XANAs new powers would be, so that died on the vine.

My other idea involved a group trying to kill the old Team Lyoko. They start by hitting Odd and his motorcycle down with a car on the streets of Memphis (Odd, who refers to himself as a "trucker", flies for FedEx between Paris and the hub at Memphis). Shortly after this they abduct Jeremy, a research scientist at a university. However, their abduction of Jeremy fails when the kidnappers are chased down and stopped very violently by an opposing operative. The operative turns out to be Yumi, who takes Jeremy out of the twisted wreckage of the abductor's car. I haven't got any further with this one either (except that Odd has an open relationship with Milly and is considering marrying her, Odd keeps in touch with everyone by e-mail, Ulrich has married someone he met after Kadic, Aelita left Jeremy for a refrigerator repairman in New York named Philip Vilovitch and Yumi usually disappears but sometimes crashes overnight at Jeremy's house).

[lyokodude offline]

Then no more CL Grownup. no more chaps. The people have spoken

[4lpha0mega offline]

samblob, i like the second idea

and lyokokidd maybe you should try and give it more background info, and try setting it out better

[SamBlob offline]

Thanx!

[4lpha0mega offline]

the one thing you should avoid though is overdoing the charachters, especially yumi, the idea of her being a spy-ninja-type may be plausable, but it shouldnt go further than that making her super powerful or that type of thing

[SamBlob offline]

No super powers. Not even gadgets in her car. Just great skill with driving and with weapons. And her martial arts, of course...

[lyokodude offline]

I like Samblob's Cl better than mine

[Ransomed_Heart offline]

You could also try writing it in "story format," instead of "chat format." That will give it a better look and feel. ^_^

[lyokodude offline]

thnx

[HvonM offline]

Back in the day, when Tvtome was still around, I had a fanfic idea similar to SamBlob's (I recall actually discussing it with him at some point) It had a secret agent/anti-terrorist feel to it too, and involved a prominent original character modelled after myself. It basically started out between fifteen and twenty years in the future, with the gang going there separate ways, until a menace from a mysterious electronic warfare weapon (the reincarnation of XANA) comes up on the radar of german intelligence (the BND), and ulrich, a BND officer, gets the old gang together to remove XANA from circulation. Was supposed to involve lots of shooting and fast driving in tricked out/bulletproofed Brabuses. Theatres of operation included France, Germany, and maybe some eastern european countries.

[SamBlob offline]

I remember that. Did it develop into anything?

[HvonM offline]

Alas, no it did not. The idea has been refined quite a bit, however, and I narrowed the original characters down alot. I posted descriptions of them in the "post ya characters here" thread in the main forum.

[SamBlob offline]

I read those. They're quite interesting.

[HvonM offline]

Thank you. Any suggestions? I'm still trying to work out how I'm gonna balance the roles of the original characters versus that of the actual CL characters. I'm not sure why, but I have a slight preference for stories where the actual CL characters occupy the dominant roles.

[SamBlob offline]

Don't ask me; I have enough trouble trying to continue a story that has only one significant OC... ^^;

[HvonM offline]

I really hope you get around to writing your CL grown up story. The stuff you already have is very good. It's my goal to have at least the beginning of my story done before the end of the year. So far, I just have a bunch of random scenes constantly pulsating through my imagination.
The one that immediately comes to mind:
Silence... broken only by the rustling of the documents before me as I try to find something useful. Heaving a deep sigh, I push back from the desk, only to feel the cold sensation of steel pressed up against the back of my neck. "You fool. You shouldn't have come here. Now I'm looking at a dead man.".....

Btw, the title I had in mind was: "Into the Eye of the Storm"
What do you think? It's supposed to contain an allusion to something from the show. I thought that would be neat.

[SamBlob offline]

That has a definite detective novel feel to it; the kind of thing that would happen to Sam Spade or Phillip Marlowe. Or Mikhail Havlicek (aka Michael Havelock, from The Parsifal Mosaic by Robert Ludlum), for that matter...

[HvonM offline]

A detective novel feel? Is that good or bad?
(I made a typo in the excerpt before; just corrected it)
Well, it does involve violence and solving a major crisis, but I am also hoping to address a lot of the character issues that might come up ten to fifteen years after the show. Did you get the allusion in my title?

[SamBlob offline]

A detective novel feel? Is that good or bad?

I guess that depends on one's opinion of the genre...

Well, it does involve violence and solving a major crisis, but I am also hoping to address a lot of the character issues that might come up ten to fifteen years after the show. Did you get the allusion in my title?

I'll have to look at it again; I don't recall.

[HvonM offline]

Samblob, I just read your most recent "Caprice" on fanfiction.net. I must say, it was outstanding. I really hope you will continue the story.

Oh, and the title, "Into the Eye of the Storm", was supposed to allude to the eye symbol of XANA. Just an example of me during one of my more creative moods.

[SamBlob offline]

Thanks! I'll think about it, although what I'd really want to continue is "The Outlaw"... ^^;

"Into The Eye Of The Storm" carries just the right amount of menace in it. Good title!