Stupid-an OBK Fiction

[OB-waN offline]

Well, guys I'm done with my fiction. This is my first time so go easy on me.

I have a FF.net thing but I can't post till tommorow. I can't wait that long so I put it at LJ for now till tomorrow.

Five hours it took to do this, it a great fic about Ulrich and Yumi w/Odd

Again, take your comments very easy on me, I'm a thread writer touching unknown waters so please read it and tell me what you really think

Post your comments HERE, not at LJ please...thanks!!!!

Stupid-an OBK Fiction

PG-13

[Doggiegal offline]

For now...I'm just going to say 1 thing. Don't hate me, k?

Watch your quotations. You forget to surround some of the dialogue with quotes...

[Snarky Jargon offline]

There was something that bugged me about this in the initial read, although I'm not really too sure why. I think it has to do with the lack of description--everything just happens, no real explanation at all. The beginning feels a little cheap--why not show Yumi and Odd's accidental kiss, and then elaborate on the tension between Yumi and Ulrich instead of cramming it all into the aftermath? And the "defeating X.A.N.A. for the million time" (technically, it's millionth) just made it feel like you had the idea in mind, but couldn't bother to flesh it out a little more.

You have a solid foundation for a story, although the "I dated Odd!" thing was as left field as things could get. If it's a dream, how about something a little more symbolic or... just plain weird? "I think this is the end of this, Ulrich. My parents found out about Lyoko when she tapped the phone." There are some moments that really stand out--Ulrich regarding Odd with contempt and then striking him, Yumi's attempt at rationalizing her actions are two that come to mind. But the way it all ends in a dream--bleh, I've never liked those endings much. I know my dreams aren't very linear and jump from place to place (and have some weird metaphors and symbolism and really stupid hints for science tests), so it bugs me when people just go, after a long, drawn out fan fiction, "It was just a dream." It doesn't help that you jump from point of view from point of view. The dream twist might work better if you limit yourself to Yumi's point of view for the entire fan fiction.

One thing that really bugs me is the technical jargon of it. Start a new paragraph when someone speaks; use quotation marks. I'm not sure if I'll be presuming when I say English probably isn't your first language; if it is your first language... um. Try to make it more readable. If it isn't, there are beta readers out there willing to help.

So yeah. Just a bit of constructive criticism. I'm not much of a writer myself (although I do enjoy writing a lot), so there's probably someone else who could do a better job at this than I could. And it's two thirty, so this is definitely not coherent.


I feel like an English teacher, only without the degree. Or employment. Or experience. Or the coffee.

[OB-waN offline]

Thanks SJ, I REALLY thank you for your advise so I took the link off and I'm going to fix it so it's a great fiction.

Question, will you help me please??? YOur so good at it and you don't even try. Please help me write this, I really what to learn and I will follow anything you tell me to......so PM me if you will help OK???


OH, sorry to anyone who hasn't read my post....it's needs help.