Date: Feb 27, 2009 02:10 PM Title: Chapter 24: Episodic 3
First recommendation: I would recommend somehow separating the last long ramble into a few paragraphs, if only to make it easier to read. And the switch should usually start a new paragraph as well. (Don't forget the spell check and grammar check!)
Other than that, good job. Still having trouble following the plot because of all the new plot elements (characters, mostly), but then again, I always did.
Author's Response: Fixed that, problem with LFF not me. Oh well
Date: Feb 24, 2009 11:20 PM Title: Chapter 23: Episodic 2
Dude, I love your stories! You do it so real like! Though I have to watch out when I read it cause of that. I've fanted one too many times and when Jeremie is remembering his past it seems all to real. That's why it's so cool! Trop cool! Oh, and if you like things that are supsoted to happen in the latter years of the Lyoko warroirs, check out my stories once I've gotten Le Suivant Génération on here. You'd love it. à tout à la. See ya!
Date: Oct 31, 2008 03:12 PM Title: Chapter 22: Episodic
Nice to see that two UMAX episodes in a row aren't taking up the "Most Recent" box anymore.
I have to admit, it's just slightly unsettling to see a Lyoko battle without any of the real Lyoko Warriors...but good job. Not much advice I can give, except to again try not to stray too far from the original Code Lyoko.
Date: Sep 29, 2008 10:32 PM Title: Chapter 21: The Slowly Mmoving Stream
EEEEEEE...severe hints of JxS...-_-
Anyway, it seems okay, aside from said pairing I am trying not to notice. Not sure that even the adult Sissi would have that large a vocabulary, but it seems interesting.
As for Lyoko's new name, for some reason Terra Machina reminds me of a factory instead of a virtual world, but it's good.
I'm still completely in the dark of what is to happen next; I don't have any good guesses. If that's your intention, good job. If it's not...then uh oh. Although if it's not your intention, it's probably something on my part. -.-
Just please be careful not to stray too much from CL's original plot line. I understand that yes, this is the future and a new age, and much has changed since the end of the series, but straying too far from the usual plot and into unknown territory won't always keep your readers on track. You're doing a very good job with very good description, and you're making use of vocabulary, as well as staying true to Jeremie's character (as far as I can notice), but just be sure not to take the plot too far away from what most readers are comfortable with reading.
Just try to focus a bit more about the things we know most about, and what we're used to seeing and most familiar with: Lyoko/Terra Machina (now), and also Jeremie and the original characters. Inventing too many characters will have heads spinning...or mine, at least. x.x
As for the perspectives, I haven't been keeping track of them a lot, but just be sure not to use too many, because then it gets confusing.
But you've been doing a great job with detail and your plot, as well as staying true to a lot of the usual things, such as Jeremie's character. Keep up the good work.
Date: Sep 01, 2008 07:51 PM Title: Chapter 20 Leave all (part 2)
It's still a bit confusing for me...-.- But I think it's mostly because I'm used to the usual characters of CL.
Good work...although if there were any specific details to pick up, I don't think I noticed them. -_-
Date: Aug 24, 2008 04:07 PM Title: Chapter 18: Nothing at All
It's still...slightly hard to stay on track...but great job. Can't think of anything to suggest or criticize, except to try and keep the plot straightforward. Although it could just be me. -.-
Date: Jul 31, 2008 10:10 PM Title: Chapter 17: Answer...
Although I can't really tell where you're going with the plot at the moment, it seems interesting. I'm assuming that you have reasons for straying a bit more from Jeremie's point of view, probably reasons related to the developing plot. Great job so far, and interesting revelation at the end of this chapter. :)
Date: Jul 08, 2008 01:31 PM Title: Chapter 14: Quirks
"Who appeared [i]board[/i]?"
I think you mean "bored". :P
I have to say that some bits are too chronological, because you should probably just say "a little while later" instead of making it almost completely time-based and saying "7 minutes later". It just seems too...well, unnaturally timed out.
Other than that, I think it's fine. Great chapter. :)
Date: Jun 30, 2008 10:55 PM Title: Chapter 12
Really sorry SOL...other things have been kinda preventing me from finding enough time online to get to LFF to read your fanfic. -_-
Anyway, I don't really want to spam the fanfic with individual reviews for each chapter, since I kinda got behind on reading a lot, but so far it's great. I don't know where you plan to go with the plot, but your writing is very artful, and it helps contribute to the overall plot.
One thing I might add though is that a few times in the story, it's difficult to tell if it's a flashback or the present. But it could have been because I was distracted...ehehe. >.>
Overall, great so far. I look forward to reading more. :)
Date: Mar 28, 2008 07:11 AM Title: Chapter 7
oh, poor jeremy, all alone, so tired, and yumi, gone, i think i'm starting to actually get this plot, very mysterioes plot at that!
Author's Response: He, He, you think so. Well you think the criptic revilations are odd now wait for the new chapter.