Date: Nov 20, 2006 06:31 PM Title: All or Nothing
I definitely like the direction this is going. It's well written with lots of yummy details (eveybody likes those!) and it can definitely go on to be one of the better stories here on LFF.
The only thing I would go for is a spell check at the end of each chapter. I found a few misspelled words, but I'm not going to be a grammar nazi right now ;)
Another thing I would consider dropping is the parental warning, since what it claims has not happened yet in the story and might be deemed spoilers for your own story. I'd add it in when the chapters it refers to are up.
Another thing about the warning is the fact that some people might see at as a gimmick (since the top-favorited story on LFF has the same exact warning, some would say that you only put that in to steal the thunder generated by it) although I don't see it that way.
Keep up the good work. I've got my own story to update.