Mixed Emotions...

[Stargate offline]

Once again concerning the AmDrag forum I moderate. One of my friends there was banned, and today he was able to come back. I missed him due to winter track, but I know he'll be on later and he'll want to talk to me. I did miss him while he was gone, and a part of me is glad he's back.

But another part of me is dreading it. Since I mod the site I often had to calm him down when he got angry and acted up, and this itself pushed me through many emotions that I do not wish to experience again.... guilt, anger, depression... because in my attempts to calm him, he would seem to forget I was his friend and would lash out at me, saying painful things that I've never really gotten over...

I'm scared. I don't know what to do...

[Gauntlet offline]

It kind of feels like I'm being negative here, but is he really that good of a friend to you if he says hurtful things to you? Everyone gets upset once in a while, there's no denying that, but stinking up someone else's day because your in a bad mood doesn't float my boat. Has he apologized yet? Does he realize how he acts when things like this happen?

I don't really have much to add, I don't know very much about him. From the sound of it, I don't think you should be the one who feels guilty. He's acting out of line, and you take the brunt of his anger for trying to set him straight? Doesn't seem like the most friendly thing to do to me.

[Chosen_one offline]

It kind of feels like I'm being negative here, but is he really that good of a friend to you if he says hurtful things to you? Everyone gets upset once in a while, there's no denying that, but stinking up someone else's day because your in a bad mood doesn't float my boat.

Gauntlet, there are myriads of people who act like this. When we get mad, we forget the mental values we hold dear and strike mercilessly. We have absolutely no regard for others' feelings as they are merely interferences to the angry. Perhaps that's why "mad" is synonymous with "crazy."

Stargate, you're just like one of my friends. He is one of the most insulted kids in my school. His reputation isn't exactly that high. Another guy felt like sitting at my table today, and almost immediately regretted his decision the moment he saw my friend coming back to the table. However, when I called my friend "stupid" in an angry tone, he instantly burst into tears. (Which is kind of bizzare because I call him "stupid" almost every day and he doesn't even react.)

It is very painful to see a friend betray you when angry. But please understand that anger replaces common sense and every other emotion or value. Like I said before, when humans are angry, they disregard every other thought in their heads. They no longer care about their lifetime values; their only concern is to release that anger.

Your friend doesn't want to hurt you. It's his anger that's controlling him. He has not yet learned how to control his anger and consequently it has been controlling him.

[Stargate offline]

He has apologized, many times.... begged for my forgiveness, really, so how am I supposed to stay mad at him? But whenever he gets angry he forgets about that and says things, but I can never seem to hold it against him....

[Chosen_one offline]

He has apologized, many times.... begged for my forgiveness, really, so how am I supposed to stay mad at him? But whenever he gets angry he forgets about that and says things, but I can never seem to hold it against him....

It's not just him; I do the exact same thing. Like my parents for example. They're awesome and really fun to be around when my friends are over. But when I'm mad at them, I want to strike at them (i.e. punch them, hit them, etc.). Of course, nowadays, I've learned to control that kind of anger, but once, a really long time ago, I got so pissed at my dad that I actually made a cut on his leg.

It's also the same thing with my friend. I get so mad at him for saying all these cheesy things and acting as if he's so cool, but when I actually talk to him, I can nefer seem to express my own anger.

[Stargate offline]

He has apologized, many times.... begged for my forgiveness, really, so how am I supposed to stay mad at him? But whenever he gets angry he forgets about that and says things, but I can never seem to hold it against him....

It's not just him; I do the exact same thing. Like my parents for example. They're awesome and really fun to be around when my friends are over. But when I'm mad at them, I want to strike at them (i.e. punch them, hit them, etc.). Of course, nowadays, I've learned to control that kind of anger, but once, a really long time ago, I got so pissed at my dad that I actually made a cut on his leg.

It's also the same thing with my friend. I get so mad at him for saying all these cheesy things and acting as if he's so cool, but when I actually talk to him, I can nefer seem to express my own anger.

So it's a normal thing? I know he might not really mean what he says, but it hurts sometimes and I can't think straight...

[Chosen_one offline]

He has apologized, many times.... begged for my forgiveness, really, so how am I supposed to stay mad at him? But whenever he gets angry he forgets about that and says things, but I can never seem to hold it against him....

It's not just him; I do the exact same thing. Like my parents for example. They're awesome and really fun to be around when my friends are over. But when I'm mad at them, I want to strike at them (i.e. punch them, hit them, etc.). Of course, nowadays, I've learned to control that kind of anger, but once, a really long time ago, I got so pissed at my dad that I actually made a cut on his leg.

It's also the same thing with my friend. I get so mad at him for saying all these cheesy things and acting as if he's so cool, but when I actually talk to him, I can nefer seem to express my own anger.

So it's a normal thing? I know he might not really mean what he says, but it hurts sometimes and I can't think straight...

It's a perfectly normal thing. It can be very difficult to change the way you think. For some, it's impossible. I understand (sort of) how it feels; emotions aren't something that you just decide to change; they're a natural force of habit that may take years to break. You could tell yourself over and over that it's normal, that he's only angry, but when you confront him, you'll be just as hurt as any other day. I'm sorry, Stargate, but there's not much you can do about that.

[Stargate offline]

Okay....

But still, thanks for your advice, it really helped.

[Gauntlet offline]

Sorry, Chosen_one, maybe I read it wrong, but it sounds like you're saying its alright to get angry, and that its perfectly normal to hurt others. Anger-management is real. Self-restraint is real. If you behave like an ass when you're angry, there is absolutely no way to fix that. Friendship is like a vase, once you break it, you can put it together, but it'll never be the same.

Its the angered person's responsibility to make sure they control their anger, and its also the victim's responsibility to make sure they protect themselves if the angered person lashes out. There is absolutely no excuse for someone to -constantly- attack their "friend", none at all. Yes, we all do slip and lash out at loved ones, but if you keep doing it, something is wrong.

I disagree with everything but your last statement. The anger is controlling him, as you said, and he needs to seek help. He can't just ignore it and continue going about upsetting his friend(s).

Stargate, I'm glad he apologized for hurting your feelings, but if he's going to constantly do it, it sounds like a bit of a fib to me. Just watch yourself. Don't attack him back, don't tease him, don't do anything like that. Simply wait until he calms down, and speak to him.

Seriously, don't let his anger ruin your friendship. Communication is absolute key.

[Chosen_one offline]

Sorry, Chosen_one, maybe I read it wrong, but it sounds like you're saying its alright to get angry, and that its perfectly normal to hurt others. Anger-management is real. Self-restraint is real. If you behave like an ass when you're angry, there is absolutely no way to fix that. Friendship is like a vase, once you break it, you can put it together, but it'll never be the same.

Its the angered person's responsibility to make sure they control their anger, and its also the victim's responsibility to make sure they protect themselves if the angered person lashes out. There is absolutely no excuse for someone to -constantly- attack their "friend", none at all. Yes, we all do slip and lash out at loved ones, but if you keep doing it, something is wrong.

I disagree with everything but your last statement. The anger is controlling him, as you said, and he needs to seek help. He can't just ignore it and continue going about upsetting his friend(s).

It is NOT okay for someone to ignore his anger and it is NOT okay to hurt others' feelings. My main emphasis was to tell Stargate that her friend is only human and it's normal for him to act that way when he's angry. Instead of saying what Stargate's friend did wrong, I was telling Stargate that she is exaggerating the intended impact of her friend's anger. Anger is a curse upon humanity, but it exists in all humans. It is wrong for one to make no effort in controlling his anger, but it is also harmful to be unable to cope with others' anger.

[Gauntlet offline]

Sorry, Chosen_one, maybe I read it wrong, but it sounds like you're saying its alright to get angry, and that its perfectly normal to hurt others. Anger-management is real. Self-restraint is real. If you behave like an ass when you're angry, there is absolutely no way to fix that. Friendship is like a vase, once you break it, you can put it together, but it'll never be the same.

Its the angered person's responsibility to make sure they control their anger, and its also the victim's responsibility to make sure they protect themselves if the angered person lashes out. There is absolutely no excuse for someone to -constantly- attack their "friend", none at all. Yes, we all do slip and lash out at loved ones, but if you keep doing it, something is wrong.

I disagree with everything but your last statement. The anger is controlling him, as you said, and he needs to seek help. He can't just ignore it and continue going about upsetting his friend(s).

It is NOT okay for someone to ignore his anger and it is NOT okay to hurt others' feelings. My main emphasis was to tell Stargate that her friend is only human and it's normal for him to act that way when he's angry. (See, instead of accusing her friend, I was trying to make Stargate feel better. )

I agree, I don't think its good to hold in feelings. Communication is key, and if something is bothering you, you should talk to a friend instead of lashing out. Maybe I made it sound like her friend was a bad person in every way, but there is no way to deny that what he did was wrong. I don't think its normal for someone to act out when they're angry, they need to learn self-control.

Its basic instinct to get angry at others, but it takes some willpower to man-up and realize that you can't do that. I'm sure I've been rude to one of my friends because of something that put me in a bad mood, but never to the extreme to leaving a permanent scar on our friendship.

[Stargate offline]

Perhaps I overreacted a little, I'll admit, but until my friend lashed out at me-- numerous times-- I'd never experienced pain or guilt (or anger of my own, I'll admit) at this level, and it scared me. I have to stay calm, I'm a mod, that's my job. But I've never felt any of these emotions to this extent before and I'm not sure how to handle it.