God... She has a funny sense of humor.

[. offline]

Okay. As you know, this past year I have had a rought time. Now while I've always maintained that I am Agnostic, my lack of faith has always been in those that preach Her name, God I never really questioned. I always prayered for a miracle to my problems and my pain.

After months of contenual BS, I started to really feel abandoned, that my prayers weren't being answered. I never question God's existants, instead I questioned God's love for me. I got so fed up, last week, I went outside in the middle of the night and preceeded to curse and rant at her. And in not so many words I told God to shove Her "plan" and her not giving a damn at all about me and that I was going to make my own destiny happen or kill myself just to begrudgingly challenged her.

I made the decesion to sign up the wrestling training that Tuesday. It wasn't easy. I had no confidence and little to know self-esteem and I was scared out of my wits. But I was forcing myself to realize that the people around me were above me, I was on equal if not higher ground then them. It took a lot of talking myself up.

And I did it, and since Tuesday I've had this wonderful confidence in myself. I love it. I feel like my life finally has a purpose, which is what I was praying for God to help me with all the time.

Theres my problem.

God has a "plan". I've always been one to love God but fear that controlling nature of her. I don't want to be a good person because some book or my creator tells me too. i want to be a good person because *I* want to be and no one else. However I'm starting to think that God intentionally did nothing in order to make me stronger and by therefore granting me my miracle I was praying for.

And see I'm confused. I consider the gift of freewill (The ability to choose ones alignment in life, and the ability to believe in God or not) the greatest gift we as Her children, were given. But if I'm manipulated by my creator into playing into her plan... Am I really free? Then again I asked for help didn't? And also... Even if I'm submitted to God's will, it feels pretty darn good so is losing some of my freedom worth it for this feeling of completement?

I realize I'm bordering on some pretty heavy stuff here. It doesn't help that I do not trust in the bible, and I trust even less in the people of the cloth. So yeah, ya know there may not even be a problem at all. I may just get a kick out of God's sense of humor, she did nothing but in doing nothing accomplished everything I asked.

[LadyLucy offline]

wow...deep stuff. Well, you know my belief. I'm wiccan, so I can't really say anything about the whole God thing....although I find it interesting that you refure to god as a 'She'. ('Dogma' the movie, perhaps? lol. )
But...In my op....
Are we really ever 'free'? We will always have some rule or another telling us what to, or what not to do. And yeah...who ever is ruling up there, weither it be the Lord and Lady, your God, or...even...Budda for goddness sake...they do certianly have a strange plan and sence of humor.
Now miricles...I believe in them. Any one who has lived through a huge acciedent...every child that is born unhurt, even every day the sun comes up. That too me is a miricle. My parents say I am a miricle, because I was born three months premature with only 2 persent chance of servival. I know of others who have also lived through simular tramas, and are here. They are also miricles. Everything that can make someone smile...that is a miricle.
I'm just saying what I think more than giving advice, since I don't really have advice to give. Oh well...

[. offline]

wow...deep stuff. Well, you know my belief. I'm wiccan, so I can't really say anything about the whole God thing....although I find it interesting that you refure to god as a 'She'. ('Dogma' the movie, perhaps? lol. )
But...In my op....
Are we really ever 'free'? We will always have some rule or another telling us what to, or what not to do. And yeah...who ever is ruling up there, weither it be the Lord and Lady, your God, or...even...Budda for goddness sake...they do certianly have a strange plan and sence of humor.
Now miricles...I believe in them. Any one who has lived through a huge acciedent...every child that is born unhurt, even every day the sun comes up. That too me is a miricle. My parents say I am a miricle, because I was born three months premature with only 2 persent chance of servival. I know of others who have also lived through simular tramas, and are here. They are also miricles. Everything that can make someone smile...that is a miricle.
I'm just saying what I think more than giving advice, since I don't really have advice to give. Oh well...

Actually yes, Dogma. I just love Loki and Bartelbi in that movie... Think about it, they only excersised there free will in reject God and they where banished from Heaven for all eternity. For the first million years that was okay until Bartelbi begins to long to return home. Midway threw the movie, Bart goes insane and begins a pyschotic rant against God saying God perfered the mortals over them, God's first creation. The humans had a choice in their beliefs and they didn't.

Lowki comments and says he's a heard a rant like that before, Lucifer... That offends Bartelbi why? Because deep down inside Bart doesn't want to negate all existance. He doesn't want to bring down God. He's sorry, he misses home and more importantly- He feels abandoned by his creator. Thats why at the movie- My favorite scene and quite possibly the only thing that kept my faith in God after reading Rachel's Tears- Bartelbi, who 10 minutes ago was ranting and going on a mass genocide spree sees God before him. Does he strike God down? Does he curse God out? No. Bartelbi cries. He drops to his knees and cries like a child and hugs her. Because he didn't want any of this, in he his heart he just want his Creator to give a damn about him again.

So when I think about God I always think back to that scene, and I always just imagine the day I see Her face to face I have a feeling I'm going to do the same thing.

Yeah and well hell, as for God being a woman... Well if I go by the assumption God created everything then God can be in any form God chooses. I choose the female version because I feel it makes more sense. Women have the ability to create life, men don't.

Beliefs are mkay. I like hearing about what other people as I just find it all interesting... And thanks, remembering that scene from Dogma just brought a really good feeling inside me. ^.^

[Rail Runner offline]

Congrats on the wrestling thing Pepsi, and I am also glad that you are getting that confidence back.

As far as for the religious stuff, I will put it to you this way...Im not a country fan, but Garth Brooks made Unanswered Prayers, that song pretty much holds a message, one of God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers....because sometimes, it works out for the best if the prayer is unanswered, that means its not meant to be, for the best. I hope I have not confused you, and if you need me to clarify my statement, feel free to pm me.

[. offline]

Ya know I've done some soul searching, I really have. And I've decided, fully, that ya know... It really isn't so bad.

Because at the end of all of this, I still have the end of my life I'm still going to have the ultimate judgement call of Heaven or Hell (where to spend my eternity.) But that is a completely who 'nother belief I have that I'm gonna keep tight lipped on.

[Rail Runner offline]

Life, and everything therein is what you make of it. You are the one that makes it good or bad...now yes, bad stuff may happen, but in the end, its up to you how the situation turns out.

[oddsgrlfriend offline]

If you are Christian (I have no idea) you are being a good one. It's ok to question God - Abraham and Moses and all of them did at some point or another. And the fearing God - ya that's there in the Bible too lol. You might want to ask you priest or rabbi or reverand or whatever though. And ya, God does have a really weird sense of humor huh?