My Little Sister

[mcrlvr394 offline]

Okay, so my little sister is dating someone four years older than her. She's 14; he's 18. I don't trust him with her one bit because 1)age difference. 2) she's known him for only a few weeks. 3) They've been dating for 4 days and her status is already Oh gosh I love him . 4) i don't really think she knows what love is yet.

Any help? Advice?

[Rho offline]

I'm not sure if that's even legal, since he's an adult.

[TheLQ offline]

I'm not sure if that's even legal, since he's an adult.

You are allowed to have a relationship with someone no matter what age you are, its just that when you try and do... you know... thats when it's illegal, but ONLY if someone actually wants to press charges. And AFAIK, the girl doesn't have a say if the parents take over.

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You first need to understand that contrary to what some mom's say, not all guys are rapists/bad. Don't get so obsessed over the age difference, but is the guy himself good? ONLY then can you pass judgment.

In any case, just give your sister some pointers on what not to do, IE don't accept drugs or alcohol, get home at a reasonable time, and generally be careful. If you have taken a look at the guy and he seems bad, then and ONLY then talk to your parents. But don't immediately run to them because ruining a relationship doesn't always go over well.

[xiaozanghou offline]

Having a little sister myself I really understand where you're coming from, and have this to say: Keep an eye on her, for the love of god.

Every single one of those reasons why you don't trust him with her are 100% valid at this time in her life. When she's in late college and further on age difference isn't such a big deal, but the general rule is that people "click", that's because they're of similar maturity--a huge warning sign in an 18-year-old dating a 14-year-old.

Your sister is falling for him way too quickly, which is actually normal because she clearly doesn't know better, and given your description of her behavior you're probably spot on when you say she doesn't know what love is yet. She'll learn, but at the moment she's completely infatuated with this guy and any badmouthing about him/her behavior is gonna fly right over her head and make her resent you.

That's why I say watch her. Pay attention to how she acts when he's around versus when he isn't. Pay attention to what her friends(and his friends) say about him. Get to know the guy yourself, even if it's just on the most basic level. If you start to see more warning signs, definitely talk to your sister first, but try not to come across as attacking her(because little sisters are defensive as hell and I know this better than anyone ).

[Rho offline]

Still, it's kind of pedo-y. A 17 year old and an 18 year old is one thing, but an 18 year old guy and a 14 year old girl?

For now, I guess it would be best to stay calm about it, but if you have reason to believe there's been anything sexual going on, assuming you're in the United States, don't hesitate to get higher-ups involved, because that is completely and utterly illegal.

If things are going fine between the two, there probably isn't much you can do.

[Aelita offline]

I would suppose it would be sensible to be suspicious about the whole relation. Your sister probably doesn't know what love really is, but I guess you could show some support for her. I'm not fond of relationships that involve one or the other being older than the other, but I suppose you could keep a watch out for your sister, and support her by looking out for her so that she would stay safe, but wouldn't feel policed. I probably shouldn't give relationship advice because I don't really know about relationships, but the bottom line is being supportive, even though the whole things feels a little off (but keep a healthy sense of suspicion, as teen relationships aren't really meant to last long).

[mcrlvr394 offline]

Thanks. Another thing that worries me is that she didn't tell me. A friend of ours did. And he's met all of our family BUT me. You guys are right and I'm so appreciative.

Another thing: Should I be worried that she stayed at his house until 9 PM last time, but she asked Mommy if she could stay longer this time?

[Rho offline]

Another thing: Should I be worried that she stayed at his house until 9 PM last time, but she asked Mommy if she could stay longer this time?

I think I'd have to go with yes.

[Aelita offline]

Hm... this may pose a problem and a possible contradiction to my earlier statement.

It is reasonable to be suspicious of her not telling her own family about her relationship, but I understand that sometimes people don't want to talk about it. It is also reasonable to be suspicious that she is staying for long periods of time (well, I actually I'm guessing that she hangs out with him a lot), and it is perfectly acceptable to be suspicious that she wants to spend more time with him, but I may be wrong (the time they may spend together might go towards building their relationship, but it's probably best to stay on the lookout).

In short, you should probably be suspicious about the whole thing. In some cases, the gut instinct works best, though you could continue to be on the watch for anything out of the ordinary or more suspicious.

[mcrlvr394 offline]

Okay, so now a few days before my birthday party, he told her he didn't want her to go. Then he got mad because she spent the night with me. Now my sister is saying that she doesn't want him to start cutting again and she wants to be with anyone. Plus I found a pic of the two of them kissing on her phone, but when I went back to her pics, it had been deleted. So now she might want to dump him, but she's scared. I don't know what to tell her or what to do or what to think???!

[xiaozanghou offline]

She needs to dump him, the sooner the better.

The fact that he's getting mad because his girlfriend spent the night with her own sister, and doesn't want her to go to your birthday party on top of that, is extremely unsettling. Also he's cutting, and if it's that serious then quite frankly there is nothing that your sister will be able to do about it until she is years, years more mature than she is now.

If/When she decides to dump him, go with her or have her do it in a group. She should be less scared if she has the support of a few people, plus there'll be less of a chance of her suddenly changing her mind.

Do you know the reason why her boyfriend doesn't like you?

[Rho offline]

If he gets mad over his girlfriend spending time with her sister, he needs to be dumped regardless. That's just asinine and selfish. Maybe it'll teach him a lesson.

[mcrlvr394 offline]

he doesn't like me because he says i'm trying to steal her from him. and lately there's been more drama than ever in my life and i'm frickin sick of it! so he needs to leaave me the frick alone.

[TheAppleFreak]

he doesn't like me because he says i'm trying to steal her from him. and lately there's been more drama than ever in my life and i'm frickin sick of it! so he needs to leaave me the frick alone.

...Okay, that's pretty scary. You're her brother/sister (the internetz make it impossible to figure gender out without some sort of flag alerting you to which, or some mention that if present I completely overlooked), and you're only trying to protect her best interests.

My recommendation: get her to break up with him ASAP. What he's doing is going a little too far.

[mcrlvr394 offline]

first off, i AM a girl

second: he made up with me and was the first to tellme happy birthday and stuff. he even got me a gift even though i've still never met him... i still don't really like it though. there's something just strange about it.

[xiaozanghou offline]

Definitely still strange. Keep an eye on him. As far as we're concerned all the stuff in your OP still stands.

[mcrlvr394 offline]

Okay Update Time.

They're back together for the fourh time. And her facebook relationship status says "married to". When Iasked her about it she said "Because I want to be."

Now she's 15 and he's 19.

Ugh.